Sunday, March 28, 2010

A letter to an old friend:

How've you been? How's your dad? I hope he's well, he seems to be keeping busy. That's good.

Out here everything's pretty good. Me and the main squeeze are doing pretty well for ourselves and carving out a very comfortable little life. I have to tell you that a lot of my friends, most of them you're already pretty familiar with, are having/have had babies this year. They're so excited, I hope you can look in on them and just offer some encouragement. You were always so much better at that than me.

In the interest of full disclosure, and because this is Easter and all, I feel compelled to tell you that I do still remember our times together. We had some good times. We laughed a lot and told a lot of stories, and you were pretty funny. I remember that. Man, I loved your sense of humor. To be honest, I really loved you. I really did. It was a childish, puppy kind of love that couldn't last but I absolutely loved you. Oh how I adored you.

I loved most how soft and friendly you were. Your big smile. I remember you were always smiling, even when things were not going terribly well for either of us. You were freakin' Billy Shears back then, and love was all you needed, and we were just sunshine and flowers and looking-glass ties. You remember? I remember how we used to hang out with your dad sometimes, too. He was so big and powerful and scary and he'd sit us down and talk about how everything had rules and there was one exact way to do things exactly right and every other way was exactly wrong, and man those nights were so perfect. It was so good to just sit back and take it all in and think about the world like that. But the world isn't like that and you and I both know it. Especially now.

Then things got so messed up. You started hanging out with a bunch of crazy people, admittedly your M.O. You started trying to fix the people who didn't need fixing as much as they just needed the same strong, heady dose of reality you and me were slogging through. You tried to fix with hugs things that could only be fixed with, I don't know what, but not hugs. Probably drugs would have helped some of them. But there they were, and there you were, and there were too many of them and they turned you into some kind of monster. They made you into this self righteous asshole. You became Baltar the Great and suddenly you didn't get me anymore. And that sucked. You just left, you know? I didn't exactly "need" you at that point, but I wanted you around and you just up and left to go be all big and amazing with your swooning crowd of drooling worshippers and I had to wait in the back of the room if I wanted to even look at you anymore – forget about hanging out again. When we broke up, it wasn't because I didn't want to be around you anymore, it just became impossible, you know? It was just too many people needing too much from you and I just didn't fit anymore.

You were so funny, man. You were amazing. You used to be something really, glisteningly special. Now though, you've clearly been put through the wringer and need some time to kindof get squared away again. I'm glad we're still pals, seriously. I'm glad. But I'm also relieved that I don't have to wait around for you to figure out what kind of guy you're going to be going forward. I'll always have who you were. I don't have what it takes to stand by and hold my breath until you become who you're going to be.

This year, this Easter, as you spring back to life and take another swing at reinventing yourself amidst the torrent of misguided adulation and adoration, I'll still be rooting for you. I always will, dude. But my personal Billy Shears is gone. You know that as well as I do and it's why we're better off this way. I'm a whole lot stronger without you now, and it's clear that you're much better off without me, too. It's going to be okay for both of us, at least if your dad has anything to do about it. Whatever happens to us in the mean time… well, there's not much we can do about it.

Happy Easter anyway, man. This is still, and I hope always will be, my favorite holiday. I'm so glad I got to know you in the simple times. I'm so glad you got to know me. And I'm still rooting for you. I always will be, even if I'm not wearing the team colors anymore.

My regards to your dad.

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