My apologies to the easily spooked:

Also note – there will be swears.

Long ago, a friend of mine decided that as long as a thing had feet and/or fur, it couldn’t be that bad. Per that equation, snakes are totally on the naughty list. On the list of things that were tolerable could be found things like lizards, turtles and I think even tarantulas.

With that in mind, I present to you, a very horrible thing which I think I like but still creeps me right the hell out.

When we moved into the house, we laid down some sticky traps to catch the last of the field mice taking advantage of the previous owner’s doggie doors and poorly secured garage. While these sorts of traps are too cruel to be my first line of defense… we were kinda’ at wits’ end and made a bold choice hoping that it wouldn’t be a long-term solution.

Sure enough, the traps trapped exactly like they were designed to.
BUT what the traps caught… egad.

Garage door opens, we pull into garage-
-Him: okay, we’re here! Do you see anything in the traps?
--Me: Nope. No wait! Something… like a spider… holy FUCK it’s like a giant ant!
-Him: What kind of spider?
*car turns off* *sticky trap is a couple of feet away from me as I open the door to consider getting out of the car* (I don’t)
--Me: no dude, it’s not a spider. It’s like, two bugs eating eachother?
-Him: *disgusted at my squeamishness and having a look for himself* um, no that’s just one ... what the hell is that?
--Me: Shit shit SHIT it’s still ALIVE! GRAGH! It’s like something out of Dr Who! GAHHH! Wait… how the fuck many legs does it have?
-Him: ungh… too damn many!
--Me: GAH! That is just wrong. WRONG. Wrong. Wrongwrongwrongwron….
-Him: *examining the trail through the sticky trap leading to the monstrosity* looks like it’s pulling it’s way through, the long way. Strong little bastard!
--Me: *rocking* wrongwrongwrongwrongwrongwro...
-Him: I think it’s … eating… the sticky stuff?

And then I died.

So yeah. What we had caught was about 2 inches long, legs and all, with a thumb-shaped fleshy, stingerless butt-segment and a triangle-y head part with massive toothy pincers on the business end (memory tells me it was about 180lbs, had three heads, and shrieked ancient curses in Sanskrit… but I’m quite sure my memory is exaggerating).

What we had caught was what we all now recognize as the sunscorpion. Windspider. Solifugid. They have no venom, don’t eat camels, only bite when pestered and what they do eat is nasty things like black widows. They’re fast as hell, have 8 legs and two loooong feelers, and they’re covered in skitchy spiderhair. They’re nocturnal, extremely territorial (with about 1 or 2 per acre, I’m told) and as ferocious in appetite as they are in looks. They also, I have just discovered for my very own self, walk up walls.

Ultimately, these are the good guys. Upon researching the horrible monstrosity we had trapped in the garage… I felt bad that we killed it. Our penance was a garage laced with black widows that summer. I have always hoped that another one would return and take up the hunt to keep our garage safe again.

I didn’t ever once hope for the damned things to be INSIDE MY HOUSE but there we are. As recently as two nights ago another one made an appearance – this time much smaller and far less threatening-looking. It was feeeling around on my kitchen wall. As I raced to get something to catch it in, and release it back outside, it vanished. This all happened at 10:30 at night. Upon another hour of fruitless worrying and handwringing (is it in my hair? Is it on the cat? Is it in the carpet?) I had to go to bed and just hope that it didn’t decide to wake me up the next morning.

Wanna' guess how well I slept that night?

Anyway, it re-appeared yesterday, just 24 hours after I initially saw it in the kitchen. It was on the wall by the bedroom (little bastard). With the help of my beloved groom, we convinced me that the thing had spent all day clearing our house of buggy nasties. I bravely caught it in a glass vase and tried not to die as it jetted around the new glass prison with impossible speed. We set it loose on the back deck and hoped it would find sanctuary outside where it could continue the grizzly work of eating the horrible things of the world. It’s welcome on our property – just not IN it for gods’ sakes!

If you’ve got a good stomach and love spiders, I suggest you google the heck out of ‘em.

They’re so horrible they’re fascinating. Having never heard of them until THIS CENTURY I find I’m extremely curious about them. They have feet. They have what qualifies as fur (in spiderworld). They are the good guys. Think twice before smashing them, at least.

I decided to not include a picture. BUT there are loads of accurate images online. Google it up, kids.