Monday, March 30, 2009

KJ's Movie Review

1) Wall-E: Adorable. Wouldn't change a thing. Loved it.

2) Twilight: Deplorable. Want to change most of it. Hated it. I'll explain...

If you get hold of a copy, I suggest having a few drinks in your system and letting the rude comments flow as the course of the movie draws to it's close. Because keeping it all in? Nearly lethal. As I continue, I'm going to be spilling some spoilers so anyone who hasn't seen the film should look away. But now that I think about it, if you haven't seen it yet, you're likely in the over-30 set and you probably aren't banking on seeing it anyway so I'll consider my spoilage a public service for you. Either way, my kvetching shall continue...

Here's a summary:
Broodingly pretty teen moves to small rainy town. The thing is, she totally fits in immediately but somehow doesn't quite feel satisfied. Even though she's totally new, immediately got hooked up with a truck of her own, pretty much has run of her dad's house, and is very pretty and unusually smart and self aware in spite of her "gee whiz" clumsiness. In spite of all of these brutal and like, totally unfair burdens, she's still socially abrupt and un-welcoming and actively isolating herself because "gosh golly" it's just alllll TOO MUCH for her poor little self.

I think you begin to see where it bugs me? So anyway, as she plops down to her table at lunch (a table filled with her throng of very attractive and extremely interesting brand new friends) She catches the eye of Broodingly Handsome Teen Boy. "he's different" proclaim the friends. Well golly gee but guess who happens to be her lab partner in science classs. And GEE GOLLY he seems to linger his eyes on our heroine just a little. too. long. Though he's broodinly rude to her in spite of his clearly cellular attraction to her. And she's sputteringly short with him too, in spite of her immediate and passionate love for him.

So then we endure another 20 minutes of open-mouthed, sputtering tension, and the two finally hook up in spite of the brooding advice of her moody, overfunded, and exceptionally handsome mob of friends. She figures out, in a tense, open-mouthed and sputtering fashion, that he's a vampire after which he shows her the absolute worst part of his wicked curse. Brace yourselves now because it's a whopper: when he stands in sunlight his skin looks like diamonds.

Yup... that's it. No bursting into flames, no dusty aftermath... just an eternally handsome teenager with dark and lusty eyes who (upon walking in the sunlight) issuddenly covered in diamond skin. POOOR BASTARD. And OH how he's so cellularly, perfectly, desperately in love with our heroine - and she's not afraid of him... no siree. She is throwing herself at him like he's a party favor. Who cares that he's a murderer, that he ate people, and that ultimately she'll grow old and die and he'll always look like her horny, brooding teenage son. No worries. LOVE CONQUERS ALL! EVEN IF IT HAS NO BASIS!!! *ahem*... I digress.......

Well then the movie goes on and on and there's this bit about the local indians being werewolves and some offshoot about people getting killed suspiciously blah blah blah. I had had a few more whiskey sours at that point. Then conclusion (finally) takes place at the moodiest, most overfunded prom in history for a town of 3000. The "misfit" new kid, her absurdly handsome and lusty new vampire boyfriend, and her bevvy of sparkly and fatastically gorgeous misfit friends all go to the prom together. As the hero and heroine dance together in a brand-new GAZEBO under twinkly christmas lights in a hormone-soaked crescendo of adolescent romance; she pledges her soul to him and there's another lusty neck smooch.

OH she's so imperfect! She's so CLUMSY after all.... *swoon* who could POSSIBLY want our poor heroine! She's new! She's Smart! and Gods forbid, she has a personal identity AND a backstory! She's just so imperfectly pretty too - no acne, no hormonally mis-shapen body parts, what a cruel and wicked world it is. BUT WAIT! Who's this pale skinned, brown eyed, undead heart throb? Why he's the baddest of the bad boys... and OH he'll turn his life around but for one sweet moment together with our heroine. *GAGG* Vampires? My ass.

OH and here's the best part, they start to make out and get really hot and heavy (in an earlier scene) and then suddenly he's all "no! I can't lose control with you!" so they spend the night together - she in her underwear, he in his designer t-shirt and jeans, just TALKING alllll night.

GRAGH! He's the perrrrrfect man! *LE SIGH* He's super strong, super fast, VERY smart (he plays the piano... at length... while she watches, broodingly in the background) (he was playing just for her, you see). All handsome and lusty and will never ever so much as expect second base.

so yeah. now you don't need to see it. It's the perfect teen romance for overfunded, too-popular highschool babes with no imagination and a penchant for moody bad-boys.

Someday I'll write about how this movie/story SHOULD have gone. There was so much potential... and yet the sucktackular result was just too sucktastic. Having not read the book, I can't speak to the rest of the story. After this trainwreck of a movie though, I don't want to read the book and want nothing to do with any of it anymore. I like my vampires mystical and evil thanks. You can keep your diamond-skinned day walkers. And could somebody PLEASE think of a more respectful way to bring in ancient indian traditions and folklore than defaulting them to shape shifting werewolves? *barfff*

But Wall-E was great. Loved that.

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