Whining

I haven't written since my first post for one reason: I think I'm boring. To be honest though it's also because I'm totally in a not-so-perky place, emotionally speaking, and that just blends together with boring-ness into one big mash of "who cares", ya know?

Mostly, and while we're on the subject, I'm on my third week of no-job-yet and it's a little bit frustrating. Send my Understatement Of The Year trophies to my agent, please. It's more than just the waiting, and the rejections. The hard part is really just sitting here for hours and looking at job opening after job opening of close matches for which there's just one critical point that I'm really lacking on... for example my lack of certification in X,Y or Z programs or my inability to commute to Birmingham. I know that there's a good match out there for me and that it'll take a little while to get all hooked up... but the constant lack of callbacks and interview opportunities tends to kindof underline my own swirling self-loathe by reminding me that maybe I'm Not. Cut. Out. For. This. after all.

Buh, but that's all stuff and nonsense and I really do deep down know that I CAN find a great job with great people for, um, a paycheck, and hopefully with some benefits and junk. Maybe even lunch breaks or something. Most of me KNOWS that this will happen and that this is the right decision.

A tiny piece of me - that piece that waits for the smallest stumble to attack incessantly and devour my confidence in hungry, toothy mouthfulls - thinks I'm the biggest dumbass in the country right now and should start crawling back to beg for forgiveness in 10,9,8....

I hate her. She's that little piece of me that hates me. and I hate her. She keeps me from reaching for the shiniest brass rings and she berates me for achieving even modest mediocrity. She's not going anywhere though so I'll have to drown her out and just try to make her the smallest little piece of me that ever was. That's why I haven't written here. She has been telling me I'm not smart enough, interesting enough, or even bizarre enough to keep something like this together. So now I'm drowning her out and spilling my guts online to you, gentle readers, in hopes of shmooshing her back into the farthest back corner of my soul with some obnoxious teenage version of myself who'll keep her occupied while I get on with the rest of my life.

Speaking of which - the Main Squeeze (bless him) has sent me some job openings to investigate.
back to "work" I go.