Do Not Call Back, Please

Here’s a little game called

How To Suck at the Cold Call:

1) Have almost no ability to properly pronounce the words in your script. Smash words together while erratically emphasizing various syllables and adding unexpected pauses. Ignore pronouns, refer to objects as “he” and possible female coworkers as “he” and obviously male coworkers as “it” or “that” or “uht”.

See also: Have no grip on the language. Whatsoever.

2) Ask repetitious, probing, salami-slice questions concerning the nature of my business, the nature of my coworker’s employment, their job titles, their daily duties, the size of my company, the number of locations, and various mailing addresses.

See also: Identity theft

3) Do not, under any circumstances, reveal the name of your own employer, your location, the nature of your underlying business needs, or how the weather is in your neighborhood.

See also: Fraudulent Business from Nigeria

4) Do not be polite. Every answer must be met with frustration, indignation, and annoyance. Especially if the answer is “I don’t want to talk to you” or “I have no time for this”, “you are wasting my time”, “I’m hanging up now” or “bye bye now”.

See also: Asshat

5) Call back, angrily, and insist (insultedly) that the party you called finish the survey so that whatever party you are compiling data about can receive the free magazine you are sending him, her, or uht. Even though no such magazine is requested, required, or read. Do not listen to any statements involving explanations thereof. Speak directly over any explanations with growing irritation. Waste as much of the other person’s time as possible.

See also: Asshat of the Century

6) Repeat in three days.

See also: Ways to make sure the office admins treat you with less and less respect everytime they hear the familiar, tinny echo of your call center and the honey-thick drone of your wretched, piss-poor communication skills.

There ends today’s lesson in How To Suck at the Cold Call.