Tuesday, February 22, 2011


I'm cold today.

There's been a lot of good stuff going on. Also, there's been lot of scary stuff (see, middle east: more of the same) and a lot of really sad stuff (see, earthquake in New Zealand) and a lot of just insane stuff (see, republicans: more of the same). The good stuff, today anyway, just feels drowned out by the noise and angst of the bad stuff.

To be fair, I had a whole lot to drink last weekend. It was an ill-adviseably large quantity, and so that's probably contributing to the soaking-wet cotton quilt of sadness slung over my brains today. No really, I had a beer AND like three glasses of wine. Oy. I used to be able to function with alcohol in my system. Now I can't do that AND I feel like a dried prune for three days afterward. It's really put me in a place where I can understand the thought that... well ONE beer just to cheer m'self up wouldn't be so bad. The dragon's right there, you know? It's purring licking my hand and saying "don't be such a lame-ass" and I'm just standing there looking at the ice cold beers in the fridge, feeling like crap and thinking "well gee, if that weren't such a bad idea, that'd be a great idea!"

And that's when Captain Obvious hits me across the head with a huge, gold-plated trophy of obviousness. To which I'd be violently allergic, because of how it's gold-plated.

So yeah. I'm in a funk. And, lo, it is funky. I walked in the sun at lunch today. Went inside the building and listened to my footsteps in the empty lobby. My heels clicked very grown-up-ly across the granite tiles at a perfectly grown-up pace with the elegant stride of a sincerely grown-up person returning to work after lunch. It didn't sound like me. I was making those sounds and yet... it wasn't me. I feel really disconnected. That's it I guess. Sad. Disconnected.

Not really any good reason for it though. Just my brains wrestling with chemistry in a way that I can't possibly imagine or directly interfere with... aside from more ill-adviseably large quantities of alcohol. Which.... let's face it... if I feel like crap now... you know?

Bright blue sky out there today. Warm, too. 50 degrees. Sunlight is filling every nook and cranny with lusty, orangejuice-splashes of light and cheer. I have a lot to do. I have a lot to look forward to. I have so, so much that I'm thankful for. And still the ice-water dribbles down my spine from the soaking-wet quilt of sadness on my brains. It chills me to the core in the way that only ice-water dribbling down my spine can.

It's only been five months though. It'll take a year for this crap to normalize. And even then, there will be good days and bad days. No reason to expect I'll be artificially elevated all the time. No reason to reject the idea that without it I'd be far worse off. The gods are never so far away, after all, as to be beyond little reminders that things could be far. worse. So neither will I be so far away as to think that this is the new normal and that there will be no end to this funk.
Note to self: Lay off the sauce. Seriously.

This must be why people smoke.

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