Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Another Day Scouring the Internet

Something very strange happens to me when I'm left on my own for this long. Not like I'm out roughing it in Peru or anything, but this whole cabin-fever gig is kinda tricky.

It's like, here I am in my little spaceship waiting for some as-yet-unknown spaceport to respond to my distress signals. My future employer is out there right now, totally unaware that I'm here waiting for contact. I'm sending out loads of resumees and cover letters and harrassing the tar out of my temp agency... and yet at about 2:00 every day when nobody calls back, or the emails say "thanks but no thanks" I just kinda go off the deep end. I start to feel like a loser, like an idiot, like a lazy jerk who nobody likes. I start to feel angry that so many people keep telling me about how gee whiz I'm so smart.... well if I'm so smart dad gummit, why the hell can't I find/keep a job? Why can't I do math in my head? Why can't I... well... that's the little tape that starts playing in my head and it plays relentlessly.

Then I go online again and search for positive things, like resumee tips and microsoft program hints, and the odd nugget about obscure monty python sketches. Yeah yeah, the economy sucks and everyone is going through this and there are at least a hundred other "me"s out there singing the same song. That's even MORE depressing... you know? like, damn, I thought I was unique and shit.

And at the end of it all, I'm still stuck here in my little space ship. And it's kinda running outta gas. And it's windy as hell out today and that just makes the whole place seem a lot smaller. And it starts making ME feel smaller.

And it starts getting really REALLY hard to keep digging in there for all those positive and rosy happy thoughts I'm supposed to be having and nurturing so that I can steer away from the REALLY dark thoughts.

perspective is everything.

I do know with my whole heart that this, too, shall pass... and likely my biggest frustrations are all deeply rooted in my overwhelming sense of having no control over my future. It's easy to see how certain dark mental spirals could kinda burrow in there. Totally.

So here's my rosy damn thought for today: may the solar panel industry suddenly find itself in desperate need of filing clerks and secretaries and technical trainers who are quirky and moody and have studied German and French and Norwegian.

Come on stimulus package... do your stuff.

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